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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225379">Luminous Minds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ur_artsy_gf_uwu/pseuds/ur_artsy_gf_uwu'>ur_artsy_gf_uwu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety Attacks, Asexual Character, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Graphic Description, Hogwarts, Self-Harm, based on real life, but more of a today setting, different dorm systems, dumbasses in love, i need the aesthetic, i read the series 6 years ago so i have no clue how nything works, im gay, im kinda trying to fix jks mistakes, im not sorry, neville is the princpal, panic attcks, this is just a giant self insert, what is plot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:07:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,038</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ur_artsy_gf_uwu/pseuds/ur_artsy_gf_uwu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At the beggin of her 6th year, Liv suddenly gets a roommate.<br/>theyre both trainwrecks, but they will learn to love and heal.</p><p>its fluffy and gay, coming of age,gay</p><p>i have no plot outline<br/>this is not beta read because im lazy</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Female Character/Original Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Tale of burning dogs and floating pizzas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>heyyy, its me uwu<br/>the other fic if my gfs (&lt;3)  (gross, how romantic im being)</p><p>Anyway this chapter is mostly fun and banter but id still like to give TW for:<br/>dissociation, slurs, intrusive thoughts, mentions of bruises</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My mind was blank as i sat at the window, looking down from the Ravenclaw tower, spotting the quiddich field far away, the botanical garden and some gryffindors already socializing even though the new school year had just started. Holy merlin, did these people not have anything better to do? Like cry about how they are LITERALLY the worst house? Or maybe study and do something with their lives instead of every single one of them becoming an auror? I shook my head. „Your stupid irrational hate of the gryffindors is showing, shut up“ </p><p>I made my fingers snap and snap and snap again, so the feeling would leave my body and just make me carry on with my day. Well, there wasn’t so much to do with the day but surely something better than hate on the straights-GRYFFINDORS i mean. </p><p>With that in mind, I sighted and got up, all my joints all ready hurting from having sit in that horrible position. I mean,,,, my body was a trainwreck itself already, no need to find excuses. I heard my mothers voice nagging in my ear that if i just did more sports and not be so lazy i wouldn’t be in pain almost all the constant fkn time. „Wouldn’t quiddich be cool? Everyone likes that, right? And then you can meet new people! Or, i don’t know, maybe a muggle sport? Just go out some more, and move a little, otherwise you will become fat. You need to watch that weight, Liv.“</p><p>Snap snap snap, made my fingers. It didnt help. Everything started to kinda fade away, I noticed myself withdrawing from the whole situation „Well damn. This is gonna be fun. Ummmm, what am I even doing here? hA.“ My heart was still going at a perfectly normal speed, but that was just my body. I myself wasn’t here. But not away? That wasn’t right. It felt so wrong, so raw and scary. „How do I stop this“ whispered a voice, MY voice.</p><p>„Im just gonna distract myself? No spells, I could fuck them up. Well, not I, thats the whole goddamn problem here“ I kept talking into the void of my messy room, walking towards my drawer, fidgeting out a pencil and my sketchbook. I went back to my favorite spot at the window, nice in the corner, with good lighting and pillows layed on the windowsill so my butt wouldn’t hurt after sitting there.</p><p>It was so funny, my body still worked perfectly fine, everything on „autopilot“ it could just do its thing without needing me. Ironic, isn’t it? I could talk, eat, and do practically everything without any problems. If I may say, with less problems i’d normally have with doing these things. Scary. </p><p>Maybe the cold of the window would help making everything and more real. I noticed that normally textures helped with getting back. The stark contrast between my hand and the window was fascinating. The hand warm, moving, alive and soft against the cold, ruthless, soulless and smooth surface of the glass. Funny, when i moved the hand, it smuged the thin layer of moisture on the glass. I can draw on glass, I thought astonished.</p><p>I kinda felt everything feeling closer to normal while i started sketching, something. just scribbles that i could turn into faces, shapes and later I’d maybe colour them. I really like colour. Colour there in my curtains, dark blue. colour on my arm, purple bruise, colour in the sky, in my bedsheets, in my papers on the floor, colour in the low ceiling i painted and never would finish. Colour everywhere in my lonely room. Colour connected everything. The sky is blue, but so is the hottest fire, blood is red, but so are roses, a sunflower is yellow, but so is the mania potion. </p><p>I was back, in some sort, but it was weird. The silence was overbearing, as it normally wasn’t. I still was raw, sensitive and soft and I wanted that to stop. So I took my wand out, and flicked it toward my illegally imported record player. Or maybe muggle tech wasn’t illegal anymore in Hogwarts? But even IF they legalized that by now, i’m pretty sure that the way i got it into my room were highly illegal (at least by hogwarts standards) Soothing classical music started playing, not the stuff I’d normally listen to, but it was fine. Putting my hair up in a complicated manner since it was too short for a decent ponytail, I finally started to concentrate on the scribbles i drew.</p><p>It was a huge mess i produced there, and i still hadn’t figured out what even I was drawing but,,,,DID I CARE? I think the fuck not. As I was trying to give the lines some shapes, I heard something outside. „What the crispy fuck?“ I muttered, choosing to ignore it. But then the noise was there again. It almost sounded,,,,like someone dragging a suitcase up the staircase. That sure was weird. My dorm room was basically an extra tower to the big ravenclaw tower and I was all alone here. WhO the fuck thought giving me a roommate was a good idea? especially why?</p><p>But for now I decided to kinda mess with them. the window was at the corner, and if you come through the room, you wouldn’t see me without turning 90 degrees. So this new person would think their new roommate just left the dorm in state like this and then just left. If that would’ve happened to me, Id be furious, because the second bed was not even usable. I used it to store my worn but still wearable clothes on it. OOPS. </p><p>In general, my room was stuffed. It had a round shape (it was in a tower after all) with two windows on the top and bottom of the circle. </p><p>My bed stood between those two north facing windows, left next to it my closet. Then, in the middle of the room i placed a large canvas and all around it lay tubes of paint, brushes, sponges and even more canvases. Directly across my bed stood my desk, east to it the bed with a giant pile of clothes around and on top of it. How did i even have so many clothes? Ah, theft. And a good chunk of the room was dedicated to my cat. I absolutely adored her. She was black, big (a maine coon) and FLUFFY. Also, her name was arson, and I live by that. Because honestly, she would stab a bitch with no hesitation so she would also commit arson, if possible. I also had the part next to my bed restructured as a small lab, with an ingredient closet and all. Next to it I had an antique table (stolen from hogsmeade) and the illegal record player on top of it. And for the cherry on top, my big suitcase was standing right in front of the door. And numerous old assignments lay on the floor, because i was too lazy to throw them away. Not to miss my curtains, the drawings on the walls, some dead plants, a rusty chandelier hanging from the top of my ceiling, which I actually started painting like the sky.<br/>
It was a lot, and my room didn’t even have too many books in them, I actually returned them to the library (shooketh face)</p><p>Then, the door was opened,and a girl walked in, disheveled looking and pushing her giant suitcase through the door. I finally could get a somewhat decent look at my supposedly new roommate.<br/>
Pushing light blue hair out of her face, she looked through the room with bright blue eyes. Big round glasses were sitting on her nose and her pink lips were drawn into a frown. „oop, already made her mad“, I thought to myself sitting almost hidden behind the heavy velvet curtain. </p><p>She started talking to no one „Hello?? Is someone here? Nobody? Where the FUCK is my roommate? And why in the stinky hell is it so goddamn messy in here? I gotta admit, thats damn fkn rude of them. where even is my bed supposed to be??“ she cut off, and started taking deep breaths. „Ok, ash, calm down, it’s nothing, maybe they just went out,,,to talk to their friends?“</p><p>I interrupted her. Sliding off the windowsill I started to speak: „oh, Im so incredibly sorry that my room doesn’t meet your standards. Also, I wasnt gone, you just didn’t look in my direction, that’s not my stupid problem. Sadly I didn’t have the time to clean, sincE NO ONE TOLD ME ID BE GETTING A ROOMMATE. So yeah, go grab the rest of your stuff and then ill be cleaning up.“ I reached the middle of the room where the canvas stood and turned it away from „Ash“ so she couldn’t see the painting.</p><p>She was blushing heavily, probably embarrassed that she assumed so many things. „I have a dog, is it ok if he lives here? Do you have any allergies?“ What a textbook hufflepuff she was. But hey, at least they didn’t pair me with a gryffindor.<br/>
„He probably shouldn’t“, I replied coldly. „I mean I’m not allergic or anything-“<br/>
„What is it then?!“ she asked annoyed. I’ve been waiting for this opening the whole time. I grinned. „Arson.“ </p><p>She of course didn’t know I meant my cat, it might just seem to her that I wanted to set her dog on fire. To reveal a secret, this exact situation is why I called my cat arson, you know, so I could confuse some peeps. Fun times, really. Everyone should call their pets something stupid, otherwise it’d be so boring. Imagine I called arson,,,idk, whats a normal cat name,,,Rock? Nope that’s a name for an enby, I thought, not a cat, stupid. But something along the lines of Libby or something horrible disgusting straight shit. Where is the fun in that? Exactly. There is none.</p><p>Letting out a choke „Arson??“ she asked alarmed. „Oh yeah“, I confirmed, still grinning, „I forgot to mention that I have a cat.“ I picked up my chunky fluffy demon, presented it to Ash and said: „Arson, Ash. Ash, Arson. I hope you two get along together great.“  Arson meowed, wanting to get let down, and I gladly followed her wish, since I simply was too wHACC to hold her for a long time (y’all maine coons are GIGANTIC ok??)</p><p>I assumed that Ash would be surprised at the sight of a devilish cat, but she just stared at arson, with big round eyes, mouth gaping and said „she’s so cute, can I pet her?“<br/>
I chuckled and said „yeah sure, but you have time for that later. Puff, I believe you still have to drag a lot up these stairs, right? Since you entirely changed dorms and location. While you do that, I’ll clean up this mess. Sounds like a plan?“<br/>
„You actually sounded civil right here, Ravenclaw. Didn’t expect that. But yeah, sounds like a plan. And don’t kill my dog.“</p><p>She left and the tension escaped my body. Now that was a lot. Why did I get a roommate after 5 years? That didn’t make no sense at all. Also, why did a puff, that probably never did anything wrong in their life suddenly change dorms? And again, WHY THE FUCK ME? I got my wand out of my pocket with shaky hands, and started hexing. I sure as hell wouldn’t clean up with my own two hands. </p><p>I put the paper in the bin, folded my clothes that were laying on her bed, put the dead plants and the one THRIVING cactus on my second windowsill (his name was Alfredo) and then put the painting away. I really really didn’t want a stranger to see it. It was a self portrait. I took a deep breath and then stored it on my infinite bag, the safest place I knew. Sometimes I wished I could just retreat into it, and never escape. But no, of fUCKING course, magic had endless possibilities, but that wasn’t possible. thank you very much MERLIN. </p><p>Next was, ew, empty plates and bottles (I will not specify the former liquid these held), the half empty coffee cups (a bitch needs energy) and,,,,,a floating pizza hawaii (y’all hate me yet?). Why did I hex a pizza??? Well it definitely wasn’t good anymore so in the trash it went.<br/>
I sighted. Now with most of the mess gone, I only had to put sheets on her bed and remove the fucking cat hair from basically everywhere. Why did arson shed so much? I casted some spells, and looked around. It looked really weird, so strangely clean. Kinda empty and alone, now that everything was gone that had previously filled the void. “Pfff, you’re getting sentimental, Liv. And DePRESSED for that matter. Abandonment issues here I come. Lol, in the Muggleworld you would listen to MCR, you stupid- No, I shouldn’t talk like that. I am Valid. V-A-L-I-D, get it, brain?”</p><p>My brain did indeed not, but I couldn’t continue my thoughts because Ash stormed in, more suitcases with her and a friend (ew, social contacts) that carried even more stuff of hers. Behind these two a dog walked in. He was CHUNKY and I lived for it. And his face looked like someone sat on it and it was BEAUTIFUL. Hmmmm, if I could name him it’d be acab. No, no, that’s not it…hmm…suck my shiny dick? NOOOO. Wait, I got it. Spaghet. Yes that’s perfect. I didn’t care what his real name was, his name would now be spaghet ad I wasn’t sorry at ALL.<br/>
“Um,,hey…we’re back. This is Sam. And my pugs name is-“ I interrupted.			                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 “spaghet.” I said that with a straight (hetero, ewW) face because I was dead serious.<br/>
“I think the fuck not” her friend spat. “What makes you think ax-“<br/>
“spaghet” I grinned provokingly, knowing that they would give in to the almighty power of the name. The FLAVOUR, immaculate. The meaning, INCREDIBLE. The power it asserted, overbearing. 	                                                           </p><p>The friend sighted in defeat. “All right. You infant can call him what you want, Im sure he doesn’t care. Anyway, Let’s help ash, who, by the way, isn’t a rude fucking asshole, unlike a special someone in this room. Oh yeah, who was it again, I forgot. Ah, YOU.”</p><p>I wanted to snap my fingers, but shed just spat on me some more. Control your breathing, I whispered to myself, don’t let them notice. So I just sighted, tried to keep my posture as normal as possible and started talking. “Wow, what great insults. Definitely never heard them before. And unlike you, I will not just start talking shit about a random stranger, just because of my crippling self-esteem issues.”<br/>
“Guys, please stop fighting. I don’t care if you want to call my pug spaghet, I think it’s funny. Let please just get this over with and then just act normal again, ok? Sam, if you don’t like my roommate, that’s ok, just please be nice. That goes for you too.”<br/>
Sam and i agreed and started carrying her stuff in, while Ash put them in the temporary drawer I placed there earlier, so she at least had a place to put her clothes into. After a lot of picture frames, stuffed animals and ten billions of plants, everything was at its place. Exhausting, all that physical work, but I didn’t want to just hex the stuff and make them think of me as a lazy fullblood, that was too privileged to touch anything from another persons possessions.</p><p>Finally Sam left, going back to their Slytherin (yup, not just Gryffindors are bad, everyone can be) basement. Ash and I stood awkward in the room, when she noticed that she didn’t even know my name. Sitting on her bed, she started speaking, “So, I never really introduced myself properly…I’m Ashlynn Ciel Powell, but PLEASE only call me ash. I,,um am a Hufflepuff, as you obviously can see and,,, um I like books, but muggle books, they have actual story to them unlike the ones here, they’re way too boring and I don’t get why you would read them on a voluntary basis. Oh yeah, I also like plants and am interested in other magic. What’s your name?”<br/>
“Yeah, I’m Livia Evelyn Roth, but also only Liv, please don’t call my full name, Id greatly appreciate that. You can also call me Livvy, Eve, stupid, infant, useless bitch, disgrace to the family, disappointment, Whore, creep, Wierdo,” snap, snap, then I stopped that, but my hands were still moving around, making me look crazy, oh god, I’ve already been so mean, please don’t make her think I’m crazy, I took a deep shaky breath, “ANYWAY, I’m really into art and I also read a lot, but that’s what’s to expect for a Ravenclaw, um yeah” I chuckled uncomfortably, smiling at her. 	                </p><p>“Nice to meet you, Liv! I hope we can have a good rest three? Two? Years together.” She went up to me, but instead of shaking my hand, she gave me a hug. I basically melted away, but my touch starved ass couldn’t start crying, not now.<br/>
Shortly after, I pulled out of her embrace, not knowing if I could have made it without crying if it had taken one more second. “It’s really nice to meet you, too. I’ll give you a quick tour of this small tower and then you can do whatever. Even though I’d suggest buying or getting your own furniture, since I don’t have any left, beside that cheap ass drawer I gave you, just so you had some kind of storage. So, um we can, only if you want of course, go down to Hogsmeade and search for some soon?” </p><p>What I didn’t mention is that I planned on stealing that shit. But I didn’t want to scare the puffs away right on the first day.<br/>
She smiled. Really pretty. REALLY pretty. Gay.<br/>
“Aight, show me your private tower! By the way, how did you even get assigned that room just for your own?” I signed her to follow after me and said “Preppy parents, that is. They think it would help my StUdYing, but I think the fuck not. Anyway, outside our room is the bathroom, see? That door basically next to the staircase. And in it there’s a washing machine so we don’t abuse fucking elves. As you probably already noticed, were very far away from basically everything, so better stack up on food, unless you want to walk through the whole campus just for a snack. The fridge is also in the bathroom. And yes that is because of my room being too full. And that’s basically everything. You can ask me about anything every time.”</p><p>“Thank you!! I think for now I’ll continue decorating my space and see if I can get some furniture somewhere.”											                                                                                                                                                               “Oh yeah sure, and by the way, I will move my stuff away, like my desk. If you need help, don’t worry, I’ll try my best.”<br/>
The whole evening was spent by us going on with our day, friendly but still very awkward. I continued painting the ceiling and she put her actually living plants everywhere. I already named quite a few already. One Sage Plant was now called “phat ass”, and again, I wasn’t sorry. She didn’t have a cactus friend for Alfredo though, so that was sad. At the end of the day, her part of the room looked pretty cozy and cute. Late at night, I was still laying awake, thinking about how it was kinda nice not being alone anymore. And yes, I didn’t mind that she was nice and smelled of Roses or had pastel blue hair. Or that she had an amazing snorting pug, or just the biggest, prettiest smile EVER.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hehe that was IT</p><p>im being p gay already, but if someone other that my gf reads this, I, and thereby Liv because she is me basically, am ace/demi so i will take a while to fall in lve uwu</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Lace code and being a gay stereotype</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uwu the first day of school is here<br/>and even tho they dont attend class yet (I wrote too much and didnt want to fit that in the chapter as well)</p><p>Liv meets ashs' friends</p><p>Here, no real TW apply but i guess: description of dissociating, slurs, mention of characters not eating<br/>(i beta read thi once so its still full of typos i think oop)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Come on, hurry, we shouldn’t be late on the first day, Ash!“, I shouted in direction of the bathroom where  Ash currently was showering.<br/>
“It’s not my problem that you are too much of a genius and shower in the evening! I’m almost finished ok?? And like what does it matter if were late? I mean it’s not that big of a deal to miss breakfast?!”     											   </p><p>“LIES, breakfast is very important and everyone will snatch the best stuff if were too late! So we gotta hurry and snatch if from THEM! And yes I’m passionate about food. ALSO, Ash do you know your schedule and have your stuff ready?”<br/>
“Ummmm,,,, is it ok if I say no? I totally forgot,,, that’s really inconvenient for me, huh…I could just skip? AND, might I add, all the food is MAGICALLY created so there is no better pieces. That wouldn’t make sense if there were…”<br/>
I sighted. “Aight… I’ll go pack your backpack and search your schedule. And just so you know, I’m not doing this to be nice, but to be on fucking time, get it? And I don’t care that its magically produced food, some just hits different. Like,,, ALWAYS go for the blueberry, OR if they have it strawberry, pancakes instead of the other ones, their quality is just SUPERIOUR.”</p><p>Then I accio-d the shit out of Ash’s schedule, and then out of her required textbooks. Interesting, I thought while collecting them, she is almost a year younger than me but in some of my classes? And not even in the easier ones, not that they were easy, but in fortune telling, potions and in general magic history and spells? Quite the curious matter. But I chose to ignore it, because if she wanted to tell me why she took advanced classes in a year above herself, that was her business.<br/>
Now, I also still had to get dressed. Even though I tried to dress as accordingly to the dress code as I could, I still was a gay and my need to express that was undying. </p><p>So I took the Ravenclaw buttondowm, put it on, over it the silken blue vest with some really pretty patterns that you could only see if you came close enough. Instead of closing the dress shirt all the way, I left the first three buttons open and didn’t even bother to close the vest. It did nOT look gay enough, but it had to do.<br/>
At least I could half tuck the shirt in the pants and cuff the hems. And no I’m not a bisexual, I just have limited ways of asserting my homosexuality with these clothes (well asexuality, but I mostly went with gay since I didn’t want to explain my identity all the fucking time). Gladly, we could choose our own shoes, and I had gotten myself a pair of flat (or low tops, whatever you call these beautiful suckers) doc Martens that looked really fucking rad. </p><p>I took a deep breath before approaching the only mirror in the room, which was hidden in a corner, so you could only see it from one angle. Mirrors were,,, special. They had the kind of effect on me like you get when you look at a word for too long and then it feels wrong. It was just like that but instead of a word, it was myself. It starts with not recognizing your appearance, or rather seeing it the way like you recognize your family, or a celebrity. And after I would stand face to face with that not-stranger and be too intrigued to turn away, the shit would start. </p><p>The reflection would shift to something strange, inherently wrong that was my body but didn’t feel like that and that I was trapped in. And mostly if it already went that far, The world would become fake, unreal, and it would feel like I was trapped in the wrong dimension, in the wrong body, my voice wasn’t mine anymore, My soul would still be real, but the rest wouldn’t. And that is why I avoided mirrors, even though mostly it didn’t go that far. But now, it should be fine, it would just be a quick glimpse, to see if my appearance would offend enough people. </p><p>My hair, cut into a bob, with just the bangs dyed purple-ish blue, was signaling GAY. Good. I already was scaring the homophobes. Then, my open buttondown was definitely scaring the mysgionist, which was great. How do I scare the racists? I was white as a potato, so that would of course not do…AH, the pins that I had in my possession. The black lives matter fist would do great with todays look. I gave myself a final glance, and was happy with it.</p><p>After an eternity of showering, Ash stepped out of the bathroom, gladly already dressed. She wore the standard uniform, just,,, a very old version of it? From like the 20s, and honestly, the flavour was IMMCULATE. Unlike the new uniform, this one had a colour scheme to it, and fitting Hufflepuff, it was really pretty and warm fall colours, with the edges of the terracotta coloured skirt and vest trimmed with yellow. Plus, the blue of her, today  put in a pigtails kind of hairdo, hair contrasted really nicely with all the warm colours. And she had drawn on white freckles on top of her rouge covered nose. The outfit was perfected by the little ribbon she wore in her hair. </p><p>I felt the desperate need to piant her. And not as in “haha you are pretty, I wanna paint you” no it was a physical craving, I needed to capture the beauty of the moment, the contrasting colours, how her blue eyes fit her hair, how it was an artistic composition. The flow of the skirt, the shape of the vest, how the hair described the blue summer breeze and then, oh it was perfect. All that cute vintage style was opposed by black combat boots, with a platform, surely 5 cm tall. It was everything. The artistic thought, it was breathtaking. Even, if I were an art interpret, the meaning that everything that was pretty, fragile and soft at the same time could be the exact opposite thing. My breath was taken away. Now if the lighting were perfect, maybe a bit more dramatic, to reinforce that oppositiong aspect, I could go straight to painting. </p><p>But no, the moment passed and I was sucked back into reality. We had to leave for breakfast, a pity, really. I passed Ash her belongings and we went out.<br/>
“By the way, I REALLY like your outfit today!! Anyway, I think you will meet my friends today! I believe you’d get along with them amazing!  Only if you want, of course?”<br/>
“Oh, sure. I mean I don’t have anyone to sit with anyone anyway so, yeah that’d be nice.” I said that, but lowkey I was scared of the social interaction, because I had grown up being homeschooled, and then in Hogwarts my parents had gotten me a single dorm.  Also, I never had been too keen on talking to people, mainly because I didn’t know what to talk about. Surely nobody wanted to know about a spell modification I read about, or how, if you are a wizard you are many times more likely to not be cishet. No really, studies show a clear correlation! When only about between 7 and 12% of muggles were lgbtq+, wizards almost had a 50% rate of the gay. Not that there were less homophobes, Merlin forbid. </p><p>But that was Useless information, and no one would want to hear about that. What do people talk about? Quiddich?? HELL no. I really hoped they didn’t. Maybe,,,their love interests? Disgusting, tbh. Oh god, I was getting anxious. I mean I wouldn’t HAVE to talk right? Right?? Just introduce myself and that’s it? My hands were fluttering beside my thighs. Like butterflies. I really liked butterflies. Ok I’d just imagine myself some butterflies and distract myself. Everything would be ok. It’s just PEOPLE. Children my age. What could they do? Nothing I couldn’t. I took a deep breath in, held it for a few seconds, and let it out, slowly. I hoped Ash wouldn’t notice. She probably did but,,,well,,, didn’t matter. </p><p>Finally, we arrived in the dining hall. And damnit, already a good portion of the students arrived before us. Mostly the Gryffindor jocks and the competitive Slytherins. No puff would give up their soft and warm bed up before 9 am. And no Ravenclaw sleeps properly so we need all the rest we can get. And I mean some of the Slytherins also don’t sleep but they have WILLPOWER, which, admittedly none of the other houses had.<br/>
It was fairly loud in the hall, and I was anxious to meet Ashs’ friends.<br/>
What kind of people they would be? And what houses would they be from? Out of the corner of my eye I spotted short hair and a beanie. They belonged to Srá (That was nOT her name, but everyone else called her Drew because no one could pronounce her Czech name) my only real friend here. We met because both of our English was baaad when we were 11, so we kinda stuck together, just that she was a Slytherin and I wasn’t. I glanced at her knowing that I still had the chance to just go sit with her and avoid the unknown, and stay safe. But no0Oo I decided to keep on following ash just because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings with my bluntness. </p><p>Then, we arrived at a table near the walls of the hall. Here, it was less crowded and I could think clearly again and not be overwhelmed by all the impressions. </p><p>“Hey guys! This is Liv, my new roommate? How about we all introduce ourselves so it isn’t as awkward for her? Only if you want, of course?” I didn’t know who she addressed that question at, but I just nodded anyway.<br/>
The first person in the round started talking. “hey… I’m Luna and no my parents did in fact not name me after Luna Lovegood.” My mind went circles. Luna,,,lune,,,Claire de la lune,,,Claire,,, that didn’t fit her short hair and knowing smile. But I did need a nickname, otherwise the vibes would be off. I’d think about it later, so I concentrated on the next person speaking.<br/>
“um, I’m Jules and please no nicknames? I’d really appreciate that? Also, just to clarify, my pronouns are he/him and yeah, please respect that.” said a Ravenclaw boy with blue strands in his hair. He smiled hopingly at me and I nodded, showing him that I wouldn’t give him a nickname (or misgender him, for that matter)</p><p>“Yup, if you do that, all of us will stab a bitch” interrupted Sam. Wonderful how they were still insulting me. But since they were just being protective I let it slide.<br/>
Ash interrupted. “Anyway, you already met Sam, also Sam, please, Liv didn’t do anything to wrong you. Please try not being so mean? I know you are very stressed these days, but don’t let it out on strangers. Ok, moving on. There’s still some people missing, Soon Bumi will arrive. But he hasn’t had his coffee yet, so I don’t know when he’ll show up. Possibly for second term. Ah, and you see that girl with the curly green hair walking toward us? That’s Grace.  She easily is the coolest out of the group. But yeah, that’s about all of us, I mean there’s other friends but they have other friendgroups.”</p><p>Grace arrived and took a quick glance at me. She looked kinda intimidating, with her curly hair barely tamed so it looked like snakes. She was Medusa, basically. I quickly came up with a nickname, Hisser, for that fact and for she was a Slytherin. 							                          “Hm, I like your shoes. We match, even.” I looked down at her docs. Purple and yellow laces. I grinned. I just wore purple laces, but only because the yellow wouldn’t fit my general aesthetic.<br/>
“Nice laces, Hisser. That is your new nickname now. Should I take criticism?”<br/>
“Nah man, youre fine. I like that name, kinda adds to the vibe, don’t you think so, guys?” </p><p>That figure of speech was confusing me. The words itself were nice, but sometimes people used them to say rude things. At least I think so-She wasn’t mocking me, right? I just decided to leave my mouth shut and just figure out what kind of people my new friends (?) were. They weren’t my friends yet, obviously, but sadly it was the most human interaction I’ve had apart from group projects. That was REALLY pathetic, oh damn me. I mean I did have Srá, but she was only one person and so I counted this as more.</p><p>No more bad thoughts, I told myself. Its time to dig in. I saw some croissants and fruit salad. I wondered if it would taste if I ate them together? I shouldn’t eat those together. I wasn’t THAT much of a breeder. For the croissant I went with Nutella and Jam, and I ate the fruit salad just with some yoghurt. How hEalthy I was being. My parents would be proud. I grasped my shirt under the table, clenching my hand in a fist. Ah, what did I think about bad thoughts? Begone thots.<br/>
So fINALLY I dug into my breakfast. And hA suck my dick, Ash, some of the croissants WERE better than the others. The others were talking about their holidays and how they saw their families. Touching stuff. I did notice that Ash was from Canada, hence her lacking the posh accent. Jules also was from there, Grace was from the US and Bumi apparently was a third generation Chinese-British. But he still hadn’t appeared so that was sad. And it came to my attention that Bumi was dating Jules, which was, honestly really cute. I didn’t dare ask Jules about their relationship though. One day I would, hopefully. </p><p>I also noticed that Ash was mostly just playing with her food, not really eating it. The nice fruit… But well, it was her decision to eat whatever she wanted or didn’t want. Even though everyone should eat at least something a day. Maybe she just wasn’t hungry, who knew. If she also wouldn’t eat lunch, I’d address it quickly. For now I would just keep on sipping on my iced coffee (yes, I kn0w, I’m gay) and continue listen to their conversations. </p><p>It was peaceful and it was nice, and I definitely wouldn’t say no to sitting with them again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I DID post this on my bday uwu<br/>im 16 now hehe</p><p>and btw, i am writing this for myself and other ppl to understand dissocation somewhat better. I do not have a dissorder (or even if I had, its undiagnosed) but I do struggle with dissociation a lot. </p><p>ALSO,,,, only now that im writing her,,,,, Liv doesnt seem v neurotypical if you ask me oop</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Bad acting skills and messing up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first day of school </p><p>Liv messes up</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one,,,, isnt a pretty chapter.<br/>BIG BIG BIG BIIIG TW FOR:<br/>very graphic description of self harm, bruises, mentioned child abuse, slurs, dissociation (please lmk if i missed sth!!!)</p><p>Without further ado, enjoy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Finally we left the hall so we could make our way to the classes. My first one was,,,, Divination. I still hadn’t memorized my time table so it would be hard finding the rooms for the first two weeks. My sense of orientation was a real problem and often I went earlier so I could take my time finding the way. Moving stairs and shifting corridors did NOT help. </p><p>Often, when I was younger, I used to get lost and so discover hallways that looked unused for at least a century. In these cases, I would just skip the class I was supposed to have, and go explore. Back then I didn’t have the map so I could put it all on paper, but so far I found all the ones I didn’t categorize.</p><p>I didn’t know if Srá was in my class, damn me, I should’ve asked earlier. She probably wasn’t since she had a lot of focus on the shapeshifting ones. I secretly believed that she was an animagus of some sort, or at least someone with a special gift in that area. But what do I know, it’s not that we were great friends that talked about everything, we were both just sticking together until we finally could escape. Though, we had made a promise. Normally both of us charm our bruises, cuts and whatever else we didn’t want the others to see. Just that the agreement said, that Srá in my case, and I in hers, was excluded from that hex, so we could help the other one, if in need.</p><p>Well, I just had to get ready for being alone in yet another class, not knowing any of the people. I was used to that, so it wasn’t a big problem. It’s just a nuisance if you do partner work and you are the only one left, so you have to do it alone. Sometimes I thought about why I put all the blame for my antisocial (yes I know that I misuse the word, shut up) behavior on the fact that I had a single dorm. I could’ve still made friends.</p><p>Maybe, my divination classmates could also have heard all kinds of weird rumors about me. I don’t even know who made all of these up. Who would do that, especially because I always keep in the background and try not to anger anyone. But apparently some people still didn’t like my existence and so created these rumors. Is there any reason they suddenly exist? II just didn’t get wh first unvented them, the mere idea in general.</p><p>One of them said that my parents belong to the wizard KKK, because they’re fullbloods. I mean that one isn’t too far from the truth, since they really are stupid. But another one said that I have had intercourse with ALL the quiddich boys. This one was so far away from being right. I am ACE aNd Sapphic. Boys can chOke. I’d never EVER even look in the direction of a boy, not if I didn’t want t mentally retch on them. Quiddich boys especially. They reeked of sweat and grass, and locker room, and were absolutely free of mindcells.</p><p> Hmmm which other ones have I heard? That I looted an entire cabinet of potions in 4th grade. That one,,,,is true ok??? My stealth wasn’t very good back then. To be honest, still wasn’t the best, but at least I now knew how to at least cast a silencing spell on myself, o the footsteps wouldn’t be heard. I wasn’t caught though, just a rumor spread.<br/>The most absurd one though, is one that says that I am paying (some even say with my body, eW) the principal so I get my single-dorm, and help him dispose of bOdies and that I am possessed. By what,  have no idea. High IQ disease, possibly. I really have no clue how that one emerged, but oh well.</p><p>Clearing my thoughts, I noticed myself standing in front of a classroom, already filled with students. In the advanced classes, you share it with every house. Probably because not too many people are taking these classes, and because they want to test which house is the best.</p><p>I couldn’t see a teacher yet, but I decided to sit down in the far behind left corner, so I could see if that was my divination class. Just check out if the students in here seemed like they’d take divination, then wait until the teacher arrived, and I mean, I hoped not a herbology teacher would show up. Then I’d be fucked. If that happened, I could just skip the first term. I’d rather doo tat than be incredibly late. My parents would be so proud of their hard working daughter.</p><p> Killing time, I glanced through my bangs, staring at the other students. And yeah, I was counting how many students of each house were here. I am just a little prejudiced against gryffindors, and I don’t even know why. Mayhaps because most of them were jocks and I hATED jocks. Of course, all the other houses had some jocks too, but clearly not as many at the gryffindors. I just despise the idea of any sport. Why would you do that, to fit the sickening standards the fashion industry puts on us? Because its FUN? I think the fuck not. Sweating and getting dehydrated does not sound fun. And I know that you can get serotonin out of it, but there’s easier ways.</p><p>Puffs usually liked herbs and animals, so they spend lots of times in the gardens. Typical gardeners, that’s the category id put them into, if I had to. And yes, most Ravenclaws do fit in the nerd category and spend a lot of time in the library. I can’t even deny it, it’s the literal truth. And it’s not my fault that I have an extensive knowledge of astro-physics, just the muggle science stuff. Slytherins were difficult. They could be everything, because of their superiority complex, they needed to be the best at it though… All the daddy issues they probably have,,, oh mY. Even worse than mine, I imagined.</p><p>I am not touching on the subject that I almost got sorted into Slytherin, and thus need to be the best at whatever I do, just that the gathering of knowledge is just a bit more important than that. We are nOt talking about that fact ever.</p><p>Finally a competent looking person entered the room, and the chatter of the other students died. I counted 4 Gryffindors, 8 Puffs, only 5 Ravenclaws and 7 Slytherins. With quick math I added that to a total amount of 24 Students. Well the teacher didn’t look too competent, it was just obvious that the old man in front of us was a teacher, not a student. He wore a silken robe and a scarf was thrown over his shoulders. Is curly hair had completely whitened, it was really white as snow. He didn’t carry any textbooks or any other things we could need for our class. At least I could see that I was in the right class, since his appearance screamed divination teacher.</p><p>He started checking attendance and I noticed a green mop of hair, in a black and green slytherin robe, and the docs I already had seen before. Hisser. That was kinda awkward. I mean sure, she was insanely cool and nice but I didn not know her at all, and I couldn’t just get up and ask her if I could sit beside her, while the teacher was checking attendance. What if she would say no? And I had to walk back to the back of the room, the whole classes eyes on me? I didn’t want that. So I refrained silent and only said present when the teacher, who introduced himself as Mr. Vess, called my name.</p><p>Grace showed an obvious reaction to my name, she turned around and waved, signing me to sit with her. I reaxed my tense positure and got up quickly and hurried over to her. Smiling (awkwardly, but still, hey it’s proper human interaction!!) I said hi and sat down.</p><p>Luckily she didn’t try doing smalltalk, instead we both listened to Mr. Vess ramble about the importance to always stay safe and protect yourself, if you practice divination. The passed me a little note, and on it wa written in scribbly letters: will he EvER stop talking and let us go to work? I want to see my fkn future nOW. I chuckled and nodded. I scribbled back: I need to know if I will SURVIVE and if I really am possessed for real</p><p>From that then on the time passed slowly, us two just exchanging random notes and chatting. Grace also had gotten the nickname Grect and so I would just switch between that and Hisser. I wondered if she kept a pet snake, to perfect her aesthetic. I liked snakes. They were smooth and cold, and they made nice sounds. And they were gentle, at least if you asked me.</p><p>After the divination class, in which we in fact did not do anything but to talk about clairvoyance and whatever, I had Charms. The subject was fine, and I did always read a lot of books on spells before taking the class. I did that because, yes, I did want to be better than anyone else in the class, but also because I needed to balance out my average or even below average magic energy. It was hard for me to cast difficult spells, not because I didn’t know how they worked, but because I simply didn’t have the energy.</p><p>Gladly no one knew about this, even though I knew it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. But still, A child of a notorious fullblood family that couldn’t cast her patronous without passing out? What a disgrace to her family she is. And so, I practiced every day, researched all the kinds of spells I could think of, study them, until I knew by heart.</p><p>Having arrived in the room for charms class, I looked around in awe. The room was big, and well lighted. Some herbs and skeletons hung from the high ceiling, in the middle a huge, crystal chandelier. The walls were lined with bookshelves and some artifacts. i loved this room.</p><p>Again I decided to sit down at the behind corner of the room, but just as I wanted ti walk there, I was stopped. At first I saw the blue summer breeze hair. Ash pushed her too big glasses up her cute nose and said: „Would you want to sit beside me? I dont know anyone here, plus you seem really smart and I am not that good at charms? But if you dont want to, that’s totally fine, um, then I’ll just um sit beside them“ she pointed at a hufflepuff „I could befriend them, just that you seem kinda lonely, not that I just wanna sit beside you because I pity you, I’d never do that, please dont think like that. Just uh yeah, do you wanna sit with me?“</p><p>She took a deep breath to probably compose herself. She sure had been rambling for a long time, which was actually adorable. Surprisingly I did want to sit beside her. Ash was so nice and I wanted to get her know better. I knew almost nothing about my new roommate, and I wanted to change that. I wanted friends and maybe something to look forward everyday, instead of simply pushing through. </p><p>I nodded, signaling Ash my agreement. „Is there somewhere you prefer to sit? I don’t particularly care.“ She hummed and pointed at the middle row near the window, right under soma lavender herbs. </p><p>Unpacking my textbook from the infinity bag, I noticed Ash’s smell. More like a scent. It was flowery and deep, like a heavy perfume, just way more natural. I couldn’t really describe it, the only thing that came close is to describe it that she smelled like the colour purple. How hadn’t I noticed that scent when she hugged me? </p><p>Finally, the teacher entered the room, and immediately shut the noise down. She was very tall, and her dark skin was covered in burn scars. Either she was a very bad spell caster OR a very good one there was no in between. She had survived something life threatening OR she burned herself by miscasting spells. I supposed it was the first one, since hogwarts was a prestigious school.</p><p>„Good morning class. I am mrs Arbrough and you will call me as such. Unlike some of my rather sloppy colleagues I take this class very seriously and in the end I will expect all of you to be able to cast high tier spells. We will also look into hexes and jinxes, not into cursed though. I will be covering the rather „daily“ spells, since you also have defence against the dark arts. Today we will work on amplifying spells. Get your books out on page 23.“</p><p>Gladly, I had already read up on these spells in third grade, after the potions incident. I needed to amplify my perception to get better at sneaking in and out of rooms and not be caught while doing it. By now I knew the sight and hearing amplify spell by heart. </p><p>Ash nudged me and pointed at the instructions in the book. „I bet you already can do these, so watch my form?“ How’d she know that? Ignoring my confusion, she swung her wand in the instructed shape, just way too rapidly. <br/>„Ash, which one are you trying to do? Because I wouldn’t recommend the smell one, some people here are probably stanky. How about the sight one?“</p><p>She nodded and tried again. Biting her lip, she swung it, and sparks flew. But not only a few, it was a firework that came out of her wand. My eyes widened and I quickly signaled Ash to stop. It was very weird that sparks flew. It was a sign of putting too much unconcetrated energy into a spell. Why would Ash do that? Wait, did she do it on purpose or not? </p><p>By her slightly panicked I guessed that she also had no idea about what just happened. „What did just happen? Why the fuck did my wand spark?“<br/>I rolled my eyes. „You put too much energy in the spell, dumbass. Try it again, now just in slower and concentrate yourself. I dont think Mrs.Arbrough saw.“</p><p>Finally she had figured it out, and we continued with some other spells that she now perfectly casted at the first try. I was confused by her, so I tried to think about the enigma she was for me.</p><p>She seemed shy and innocent and generally like she kept to the background. And she hadn’t known simple magic rules but now that she knew, she performed with excellence. Plus the immense count of sparks, that signaled a high magic energy. Who was this girl and what the fuck was her deal? </p><p>I decided to adress it after class, because I had the suspicion that she was a magic high tier that was flunking. Those were the people I hated the most. Not using the gifts that were given to you, to waste them, was horrible. Other people, and I’m actually not talking about me, could’ve used that talent to get a better life. I mean, yes nobody decides who gets to be a wizard, but still.</p><p>I started to like Mrs.Arbrough. She was strict, of course, and kinda harsh, but she helped every student who needed help and seemed to be fair. Sometimes she threw in bits of extra information about a spell, or how she had used that one before, impressing us with her creative thinking. Apparently she had been a private investigator before she came to hogwarts. I was amazed that now I already had two classes to look forward to, even though I only was excited for divination because of Hisser. What great social improvement, I thought to myself, maliciously. </p><p>After the class had finished, Ash and I were walking to the great hall together. Pushing down the sudden anxiety, I asked: „Ash, might it be that you are actually really powerful?“ She immediately started flushing and I noticed her starting to fidget with the hem of the skirt. <br/>„W-why do you ask?“<br/>„Oh, just because I noticed the basical firework that erupted from your wand uncontrollably. It is a sign of unchanneled high magic energy. I’m not ThAt stupid to not notice.“ My voice had gotten a sarcastic, mean undertone while talking. Oops. That might’ve been a wring decision but now I already asked. </p><p>„If you’re so eager to know, yes, I do possess what fullbloods call „high tier magic energy“. I didn’t ask for it and I dont want nor need it.“ Now her voice had gotten pissed of and that angered me. She had everything but chose to ignore it? Who could be so close minded and selfish? Because of my anger, I noticed myself draw back and the „autopilot“ take over. Oh well. Poor Ash, because now „I“ had no morals left to hold me back from snapping. </p><p>„Do you know how privileged and selfish you sound? Unbelievable that some people decide to ignore their potential and utterly waste it. Do you know what other people, maybe even a muggle that needed to escape their situation would do for what you have? You are mocking these people in need, those who need that escape. Bit hey, go off, you dont want or need it. My voice was cool and calm. I felt my weird posh but still somewhat german accent that I tried so hard to erase come through. A smile had emerged on my face. I wanted to stop talking, but I had long lost control.<br/>„You don’t deserve that power of yours, not if you use it as foolishly like this. As in not at all. How dare you never even having considered to actually concentrate and realize the fact that we are wizards, and that with that comes a responsibility. But maybe you just haven’t grown up yet. Maybe, one far away day you’ll realize what you are.</p><p>Gladly I stopped talking and I could see Ash’s face. She had gotten pale and I saw tears glimmering in her blue eyes. I saw her start to shiver. Or was she shaking? I didnt know. But she didn’t leave me time to think about what I did to her because she just whispered „I can’t do this“ and started to run away, in the direction of the dining room, where her friends would probably wait for her. Hopefully.</p><p>Now that she was gone, I started to come back, and with that I got hit by the realization about what I just had done. The cruel words were replaying in my head. The cold and uncaring voice I had spoken to her, my facial expression, that godawful smile. How could I do something like that to such a fragile and nice being like Ash? She had never done anything to me. </p><p>I knew, I couldn’t go back to the dining room, that would be horrible. The guilt of what I had said would weight on me too much. All their hateful glances and a devasted Ash. And they would be right of course, right for despising me. I did deserve it. <br/>So I walked, speeding up my pace, back to the ravenclaw dorms, in my room, just to be alone. On the way, I could still hear myself call Ash undeserving and childish. </p><p>I tried to concentrate on the paintings on the walls, but they didn’t calm me down.They sped up my thoughts and my mind was going in circles, so much that it hurt. A green dress reminded me of plants, plants of forests, forests of fae. Fae were linked with magic, I thought about all the spells I learned with fae origin, an invisibility spell, really useful actually, forks were useful. I would miss lunch. Didn’t matter, I had snacks in my room, muggle snacks. I never liked the word muggle, what even did it mean? Something like mundane? But then not why just call them mundane? </p><p>Then, I stopped thinking in english, and started to think in german. That was a bad unconscious decision. Bad bad bad. Woodpecker (bad and woodpecker sound very similar in german) Bird. I liked birds. I liked all animals, really. Apart from spiders. They had long legs that would tickle you, slowly creeping up your limbs, and you wouldn’t even notice. Then they’d lay their eggs under your skin, and one day there would be tiny spiders creeping under your skin, you could see them push through the layers of skin. In the end they would break through your skin, either bleeding out or traumatized. Trauma. Dream. Was all this even real? I thought so, my hands still belonged to me. Being real meant feelings though.</p><p>I had finally arrived at my room, but I knew I couldn’t go in there, I would feel too guilty. How did I even dare make this about me right now? Not I had been hurt, I was the one who hurt someone. Selfish bitch. I would go in that room and live with the consequences. So I willed myself to do exactly that. In I went. Incredibly enough, the thing that made me feel worse wasn’t Ash’s part of the room, it was mine. I had one family picture hanging there, I don’t even know why. First of all, the face that was supposed to be mine, couldn’t be mine. Mine didn’t look like that. I dont remember mine looking like that. </p><p>Ripping my eyes off my alleged face, I saw my parents faces. The impact that had on me made me stumble a step back, grasping my arms hard, my nails digging in the flesh. In my mind, I could see their smiling faces shift, into horrid distorted expressions. I could hear them spitting words around, without any care how they might affect anyone. I could see my fathers calm, put together face when he would talk in that cutting, but strangely sweet tone, whenever he would insult and degrade me. My hands were all over the place, when I realized, that I am like them.</p><p>I had become what I feared and hated most. I was them. I was them, I was them, We were the same kind of people. I was them. My anger was the same. My face was. My words were. I am like them. Rage emerged in me. Not against them. Not against Ash. No, it was solemnly directed at myself. How could I have done that, I had sworn myself to never become them. I was human scum. </p><p>*********************************BIG fkn trigger warning*******************************</p><p>I reached into my infinity bag. In there, I not only stored my textbooks and other useful things, no I also had that short, but regularly sharpened knife. I bought it originally for blood magic, in hope to amplify my magic energy. Long story short, it had turned into self harm. </p><p>My thoughts continued screaming. I was a horrible person and it would’ve been for the best, if I hadn’t been born. My sister was better in everything already. I was a disappointment not only to my whole family, but also to myself. Why Why Why Why was I that way. My breath was getting shorter and I was feeling dizzy. </p><p>At least I had my knife, only about the length of a finger, but oh so slender and sharp. At these moments I always was grateful to be born a wizard. I can’t imagine how muggles hid their scars and cuts, without magic. <br/>I brought it down to my arm, and pushed it against my skin, dragging it slowly and deliberately, waiting for the blood to emerge. And again. And again. And again. <br/>Blood was dripping, finally it was. It wasn’t enough. I was still angry. I am them. I have become them. It’s only a matter of time until you hit someone. Come on, you want the   blood, you need it, you scum. </p><p>I didn’t cry. I never did. This was controlled pain, and there was porn reason to cry. Plus I was so attached from the whole process, it didn’t ever matter to me. Sometimes, more like often, I looked at my limbs, my body and my face, and it wasn’t mine anyway. It was like I was slicing through someone else’s skin. By now I could count nine new bloody cuts. Hitting my head with the other hand, I managed to stop. Once, there had been a time where I tried to keep streaks. Needless to say, it was useless. Just like I am.</p><p>****************************continue to read, if you skipped***************************</p><p>I sunk down on the floor. My mind had cleared. Pressing a handkerchief to my arm, I lay down, and spread out. I didn’t know how much time I had left until third term started. I would go. I didn’t know what class I had, but I would go.I still needed to eat. <br/>„Accio food“ I muttered heartlessly. Surprisingly enough actual digestible food appeared in my view, slumping down on my chest. It was cheap candy, but it wasn’t rotten, so It’d do. </p><p>After eating that, I noticed myself getting up, spelling my arm, and walking out of my room, my timetable in the hand. I had astronomy now and then defence against the dark forces. In that class, Srá was sitting next to me. Neither of us mentioned the bruised or cuts we both bore. I forgot what we were doing, probably some safety introductions. Srás face was always delightfully apathetic and uninterested in the whole thing. When she simply raised an eyebrow at the teacher trying to ask her a stupid rethorical question, he was so intimidated he backed off. It almost made me feel good again. </p><p>The rest of the day passed by in a blur. I remember stealing food from the kitchen and eating it on the astronomy tower, just to avoid dinner. That was pretty ridiculous and pathetic of me, but oh well. On the tower a fresh breeze was playing with the strands of my hair and that was cleaning my mind. I realized that I needed to apologize to Ash. I figured that I would buy her some flowers, and a letter and lay it on her bed, since I was too scared to talk to her directly again. </p><p>Of course, I would pick the flowers according to flower language. I didn’t know if Ash would understand, but if she did, it would add to the message. The first flower I needed to find was purple hyacinth, the most well known flower that symbolized an apology. The other flower I would need to get was begonia, a peace offering in hope that we could communicate harmonious again. With them I could also express my guilt. </p><p>I walked down the tower, newly energized. Finding my way through the corridor in a fast pace, I reached the green house. Gladly, it was dinner time and it was completely empty. I was stalking through rows of endless magical plants, but no flowers in sight.  So I continued walking, desperately looking out for flowers. By now every kind would be ok, fuck flower language. I reached the end of this green house and pushed the door open, expecting to be surrounded by the nightly fresh air, instead I stood in another room. </p><p>The sensation of the smell was overwhelming so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could make out Lavender, and remembered there being lavender in the charms classroom as well. I wasn’t superstitious but I knew it was a option, and I heard that when you smell lavender (sadly I couldn’t remember under specific circumstances) you always tell the truth. Then, I opened my eyes and a ocean of colours was lay before me. I grinned and jumped on the spot of excitement. <br/>Sadly I couldn’t linger in the beauty of the moment, and quickly found my way to the desired flowers.</p><p>I ran to the storage room and found myself a sting, wich I used to bind the hyacinth and begonia together. Now, the only thing left was the letter. For that, I went back to the library, I didn’t want to wait for Ash and be confronted. I’d just write the letter and spell it into the room, on her bed. I’d just stay in the library, and go back into the room at un ungodly time, to make sure Ash was already asleep.</p><p>After walking through corridors, I snook into the kitchen to get some actual food into me. The elves were suspicious but I just told them I have had a fight with my friends and so couldn’t go in the hall at dinner time. I said all that with a whiney voice and pouting. I almost laughed at my performance but it annoyed the elves enough to give me food. Thanking them, I made my way to the library, surely one of my favorite spots in hogwarts.</p><p>I found a corner (I sure do like corners) at the window and pulled out the best paper I had. Stuffing noodles in my face, I started writing.</p><p>Dear Ash.<br/>You know what this is about, and I wanted to apologize to you. I crossed it out. Start again.</p><p>Dear Ash,<br/>I actually don’t know how to begin this letter. Nope. Again.</p><p>Dear Ash,<br/>I know that some pretty flowers aren’t going to erase my words, or fix the harm I’ve done. I still have to try though. <br/>At first I want to apologize for everything. You don’t deserve the words I said to you, to be quite frank, you deserve nothing bad ever.<br/>I know this has almost nothing to do with the topic, but you are a wonderful person and probably the nicest I have ever met. You are not immature or mocking anyone.<br/>You DO deserve your magic energy, no matter what you do with it. It is yours, and it was given to you for a reason. <br/>It is not and will never be in my place to doubt that in any way. <br/>I might have lame reasons for my behavior, but there’s no justification for what I did. Plus, it’s not about me right now. </p><p>So, I wanted to ask if you can and want to give me (or us, as in our friendship) a second chance? Start over? If you can’t or simply don’t want to, I accept your decision a hundred percent.</p><p>I hope you like the flowers (at least I recall you having a fuckton of plants)<br/>Yours,<br/>Liv</p><p>I was satisfied with the outcome of that letter and quickly (well not so quick, it was a hard spell and I became very dizzy) put a charm on both the letter and the improvised garnet, so it would fly to our dorm. Now I could only wait. I whispered into the empty library „I’m sorry“.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>uwu, the next one should be more lighthearted.</p><p>Also last chapter in the notes I said that i dont have a disorder and my friends were scReaming at me. Sadly I cant get a diagnosis because I cant talk to my parents about it so UWU.</p><p>But please, if anyone of the few ppl who read this think something might be up with them, please text a friend, do RESEARCH together (dsm5 defines the official criteria for everything I think) and if possible, TALK to your parents.</p><p>if you cant, I promise, it will get better. You will make it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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